Does this sound familiar to you: he randomly hits you up again for no reason other than to stir up some more drama and to suck you back into his toxic web of lies? No? Well, it does to me.
Good thing I had better plans that night than to take him up on his offer to „talk“ cuz let’s be honest, that wouldn’t have ended well. But after respectfully declining said offer, my evening did. In fact, I ended up at someone’s apartment on the 7th floor with the most breathtaking views of La Sagrada Familia – Reggaetón music playing in the background – discussing which language sounds the prettiest with a group of guys from France and the US (Italian won btw which the Italians present were very happy about). And the wildest thing about this is that I call that a casual Thursday night out.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
So, let me back up for a second. Hi, hello and welcome. I’m back!
A little later than expected, but so were some of y’all with the birthday wishes (call me crazy but yes, I do keep track). And with exams coming up as well as my semester here in Spain coming to an end, it’s not like I don’t have a million things on my plate. But I know some of you were waiting for a part II, so here goes nothing.
April literally slipped away into a moment in time – and yet, I can’t help but think that it’ll be one of my most memorable birthday months ever. And I figured, before I get caught up in some new drama, let’s recap on the past few weeks, shall we?
Starting my favorite month off with a visit to my second favorite country (after Spain) to visit one of my favorite people in the world who introduced me to my now favorite delicacy: pastéis de nata. I spent my time there wondering the streets of Lisbon, visiting the most gorgeous beaches in the area, drinking shots out of chocolate cups before 11am in Óbidos, developing a surprising love for hiking in Nazaré and dancing the night away in Oporto.
But not only that: I finally got over my fear of the ocean, caught a little bit of a tan (trust me, I was more shocked than you are) and even learned some Portuguese (if you thought me mixing languages before was bad, wait until you talk to me in person again hehe).
My Portugal trip came to end, and after a lovely time in Barcelona – except for that rude interruption I mentioned earlier – the next item on the travel itinerary was Ibiza. And although the general consensus around that week was „lo que pasa en Ibiza, se queda en Ibiza“ I can give you this:
No more tequila for me anymore – at least until my next birthday …
Speaking of birthdays: I have this tradition where – every year – I write down one thing I learned in the 365 days prior. And although my birthday looked a lot different this year compared to any other one I’ve had before, I didn’t miss out on adding a no. 23 to the list.
It did take me some time to figure out what it would be tho. I really had to sit down with myself and think long and hard about what I had lived through in the previous year and what I took away from it – to the point where I started to overthink it again (classic me) – so bear with me for a second.
The past year wasn’t the most comfortable one for me. I experienced a lot of loss and grief, went through heartbreak and several breakdowns and had to be brutally honest with myself in the aftermath of things. And while I sat there, on that little balcony of our Ibiza hotel, thinking back and replaying some of these memories in my head, one in particular stood out to me.
Someone once told me that I was their “favorite what if.”
You might think that this is actually quite sweet of them to say but to me, it sounded like a backhanded compliment at best. And to this day, it still makes me sad we left things at an “almost” because it felt insanely cruel to not keep trying when there seemed to have been a finish line somewhere in sight – but that’s a discussion for another day.
Anyways, after they told me that, I attempted to develop a mentality that wouldn’t allow for “what ifs” to occur anymore and yes, I’m still far from perfect – I mean, I still can’t look my gym crush in the eyes for longer than 0.21 seconds, never mind going up and talking to him – but I’m learning and somehow trying to figure things out for myself.
And lucky for me, I have actually noticed that I started making more decisions based on my intuition instead of pro and con lists. I’m overthinking less how people might perceive me or if my behavior might upset them and started showing or telling them how I actually felt (even if that's a polite but firm "fuck off" sometimes). I started wearing my heart on my sleeve more – even started this blog documenting my journey as I’m experiencing it – and as scary as that often seems, it made me get to know some pretty awesome people and brought me to places I never expected to find myself in.
[Future me commenting: we’ve also established contact with before-mentioned gym crush but that’s all you'll get for now.]
Long story short, I might never get the chance to tell that someone that being their “favorite what if” will never be enough for me, but I can prevent ending up in such a dead-end street again.
And so, that night, while blowing out the candles on the cake my friend Enis so kindly gifted to me, I made a promise to myself:
No “what ifs” anymore – for real this time.
Now that I’m done with traveling for a little while and back “home”, I’m trying to enjoy the beach life as much as possible between deadlines and exams. It might’ve taken me a while, but I’m finally beginning to understand why people wait all year for summer to start; for those first days the thermostat hits the 25 degree mark (not to make you jealous, but we’ve been having these since March).
I’ve always considered myself a fall or a winter person. And yes, there still is something romantic about that time the leaves turn golden, temperatures get colder and after months of waiting, finally getting the first snow of the season while cuddling in bed with a blanket and your favorite mug filled with hot chocolate. But boy oh boy, have I turned.
My current lifestyle truly got me reconsidering my entire life plan.
You might think I’m crazy but right now, anything seems possible and I might actually end up throwing all my career ambitions overboard to … idk … start a peaceful little life in the South of Europe (preferably in Spain)?
I guess that’s what Erasmus is all about – figuring out who you are and what you want in a setting that doesn’t limit your ambitions and dreams because you’re not surrounded by your usual environment, the usual pressure and expectations. And that’s exactly what these past few months have done for me – break down mental walls and limitations that I’ve built up for myself by myself because of who and what I surrounded myself with.
I think everyone on this path with me would agree that it felt like a little vacation from the seriousness of life and from all sorts of responsibilities.
And going back in a way means going back to “reality.” It means facing actual consequences to my actions again, it means having the difficult conversations I’ve been avoiding for a while now, and most importantly, it means having to figure out what my next steps will be which – to be quite honest with you – I’m not ready for yet.
I love how my time here in Spain has shaped me (for the better) and I’m scared that going back to a place I didn’t particularly enjoy being in and that I mostly associate with very difficult and sad memories will undo a lot of the work I put in.
I can only hope I will take these internal changes (as well as external ones like my tan) with me. And if I could, I’d pack some of that Spanish vitamin d in one of my three suitcases as well – you know, to keep the good vibes around, no matter where I’ll end up next.
Anyways, enough of me blabbering.
I hope you enjoyed this little update.
Until next time …
… with love, always
xx kristina
this blog post captured in a song:
“Whatever” by Zeina
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